An unforeseen result of coronavirus fears in Japan has been the panic buying of toilet paper. I thought it amusing at first; a bunch of crazy bastards standing in line for hours just to buy a limit one per customer package of asswipe? Seriously?
I continued to laugh and joke about it all week.
Then we ran out.
After going to store after store only to find empty shelves everywhere I finally gave up my search.
I broke the news to my family. “Sorry guys” I said defeatedly after coming in from checking drugstores all up and down the peninsula for it.
“Boys, go to the mountain and collect some leaves. We’ll just have to improvise till it becomes available again.”
Since shelves remained empty for days on end toilet paper was the last thing I expected to find when stopped at Werushia drugstore to grab a rice ball for lunch. Alas, as I exited the aisle I saw it. One sole package of toilet paper in the middle of an empty shelf. I made my way towards it, walking slowly with one hand behind pulling at a cheek to keep them from rubbing together. Open sores had begun to appear on the rash around my bunghole. Apparently leaf toilet paper substitute wasn’t such a good idea after all.
My heart filled with joyful thoughts of wiping with soft tissue as I walked. Then she appeared. An elderly, purple-haired, mask-clad lady exited the next aisle. I watched in horror as her rabbit eyes zeroed in on the package of pink poopwipe before moving up and meeting mine. Our looks of surprise quickly changed to fear. Eyes locked in battle, our angry gaze broke as we each rushed forward to get the last package of starfish fodder. I made it three steps into a run before the pang of oozing ass sores knocked me to my knees. Facedown on the cold drugstore floor, eyes clenched in pain I could hear the walker hit the floor and rapid shuffle of old woman feet
“Pnk shh shh, Pnk shh ssh, Pnk shh shh”
Her small deft steps were unbelievably quick.
Lurching forward into a crawl, my last gasp effort to win proved futile. I looked up in defeat as the centenarian loaded the last package of pink poop paper into the small basket atop her walker.
“taihen desu ne!” (it’s difficult) she said in a a gruff, yet sing-songy voice.
“Hai, so desu ne” Yes, yes it is I murmured.
Pnk shhhhh shhhh, Pnk shhhhh shhhhhhh...
The sound of her slow, victorious shuffling to the register faded down the aisle as I slowly rose to my feet and made my way to find ass rash cream, all the while wondering what kind of leaves are best to wipe with.
1 comment:
Thanks so much for reading Paul.
The mere thought of giving you guys a good laugh is icing on the cake for me :)
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